Neuroma

Woody Allen's imagination a work in Hanna and Her Sisters (1986)

Woody Allen’s imagination at work in Hanna and Her Sisters (1986)

In 2006 I went to an ear specialist to check out the mild deafness and stuffiness in my right ear that had persisted for two months. She looked in my ear and at my hearing test. “Let’s get an MRI,” she said. “With the MRI, we can check out muscles of the Eustachian tube and also see if there might be a small benign tumor on the hearing nerve. Why don’t you come back in two weeks.”

I was scared. I knew about acoustic tumors, to which she was referring. Hadn’t I spent five year researching diagnostics tools for them in the 1970s at Washington University Medical School? These rare tumors are benign, but they grow close to your brain and threaten vital functions like breathing. Surgery to remove them involves a long recovery and can destroy your hearing and balance. Few surgeons, I feared, had enough experience with this delicate surgery to minimize complications.

Now I was frightened. What would happen to the class I had just committed to teach in the evening? Could the university cover for me and let me resume after my convalescence , or would they just find someone else? How could my wife and I handle a lengthy disability? My anxiety deepened and the knot in the pit of my stomach grew tighter. I remembered Hanna and her Sisters in which Woody Allen’s hypochondriac Mickey Sachs undergoes in 1986 the tests I was given in twenty years later, for the same type of tumor. My anxious imaginings were no match for the fictional Mickey’s maniacal forebodings, but I could see myself in a wheel chair condemned to life of poverty, pain and immobility.    I prayed that my scans would be clean just as his were.

Woody Allen's Mickey Sachs undergoes a brain scan.

Woody Allen’s Mickey Sachs undergoes a brain scan.

There was hope: Derald Brackmann in Los Angeles specializes in this surgery and has done almost three thousand cases. I knew Derald from my years in research and, I remembered, he trained at Washington University. I even had a group photo showing both of us in our white lab coats in 1972. Perhaps, I thought, the photo would help me persuade my doctor to refer me to Brackmann rather than to someone in St. Louis with less experience.

My fear rose and fell. I kept busy, but stopped for prayer at least every half-hour: “Please God, don’t let this be a brain tumor,” I implored. As an agnostic, I sounded like a hypocrite to myself, praying, but I had to do something to ward off the tumor. Then I thought of death. Why should I die, or not die, at sixty-eight?

Washington University Otolaryngology faculty in 1972. Wally Berkowitz is second from left in the back row. Dave is send from right int he front row

Washington University Otolaryngology faculty in 1972. Wally Berkowitz is second from left in the back row. Dave is second from right in the front row. (Photo courtesy of Barbara Bohne, Ph.D)

One morning in the shower, the name Wally Berkowitz came into my mind, from nowhere. Derald Brackmann didn’t train in St. Louis. The young physician in the 1972 photo was Berkowitz, not Brackmann. My link to the perfect surgeon for my tumor evaporated

On my return appointment, I waited in the examination room. From next door, I heard muffled conversation. Was my doctor reviewing my MRI with a colleague, trying to figure out how to break the bad news to me? As the conversation continued, the words became clearer. She was advising another patient about a sinus condition.  At last she knocked on the door and came in. “How has your hearing been?” she asked. “About the same,” I said, “and my right ear still feels full.” “We’ll she said, your MRI was normal, with just a few insignificant age-related vascular changes. There’s no tumor.”

Next week: The Robot

Inside Sea Shell City

Another Man Eating Clam

Another Man Eating Clam. From Sea Shell City in Michigan.

We headed around to the back of the building to see if anyone was home. There it was, a modest-sized trailer—the summer residence of the owners of the establishment. I knocked, but there was no response.

A few days later it was really open. Inside were shallow dusty wooden trays displayed on tables.  Each seashell had a label with its species and a price. The shells needed dusting, too.   The man-eating clam was represented by its shell, which might have contained a cocker spaniel with little room to spare. I felt no fear  of being eaten.

In January, 2008, Vermont Public Radio broadcast an account of the Republican State legislator Ted Riehle who had championed the nation’s first anti-billboard law, which had passed the Vermont Legislature and was signed by Governor Phil Hoff forty years earlier in 1968. When it took effect, the billboards in Vermont came down, and were replaced with standard green signs announcing in uniform letters the names of businesses on the road ahead or off on side roads.  Seashell City and its signs were gone.

I was surprised to learn that one of my roommates at Middlebury College, Lyman Orton, had helped in own way to bring the billboards down. Here’s what he told the writer Robert F. Wilson,

I rounded up a few fraternity brothers and we went out late at night and began cutting the billboards down. We started with axes but the support timbers seemed as big [as] telephone poles, so we knew that wouldn’t work. We bought crosscut saws, and over a couple of years we got rid of quite few of them. It made the papers, of course, but we never got caught. (I guess the statute of limitations is up, so it’s safe to tell the story!)

Some of Lyman’s inspiration came from his father, Vrest Orton, a man of strong opinions who was one of Vermont’s early billboard opponents and a friend of Ted Riehle. Had the elder Orton known of Lyman’s midnight vandalism?  Wilson’s book on Vermont curiosities doesn’t say.

The Vermont Public Radio broadcast which occurred a couple of weeks after Riehle’s death, included an interview with Paul Bruhn, executive director of the Preservation Trust of Vermont. Bruhn and the VPR reporter recalled the stiff opposition the bill had faced from those whose livelihoods depended on outdoor advertizing, and the skill with which Riehle had mustered the environmental forces among the majority Republican legislators. In the end it was Hoff, the governor, who supplied the final push, by bringing along enough Democrats to get the bill passed.

A tasteful Vermont road sign

A tasteful Vermont road sign as illustrated by Ryan Fowler of Native Vermont Studio

Someone in Middlebury had told me that the Seashell City billboards, more than anything else, could claim the true credit for the pioneering billboard law.  I couldn’t confirm this account either on the internet or by e-mailing friends in Middlebury. I called Paul Bruhn of the Preservation Trust.

“Sure it did,” he said when I asked if Seashell City propelled the unique law towards passage.

“The proponents couldn’t single out anyone’s signs. There was enough controversy already, but Seashell City was on everyone’s mind.”

“Were there any worse signs in the state,” I asked. “No. They were the most egregious.”

I told him about the paper plate “closed” sign and dusty shells. He laughed and said, “I drove by many times on my way to my cousins, but I never went in.”

Today, Vermont tourism and its businesses thrive without the billboards and have done so for forty years. Drive through and look at the State. They never needed the signs in the first place.

Next Week: Neuroma

Sea Shell City

A Vermont road in the fall

A Vermont road in the fall

I was drawn to Vermont in my teens by Kenneth Robert’s novels about the French and Indian and Revolutionary Wars. The heroic people and evocative names in his stories kindled my love of history and my romantic dream of living close to the sites where these historic events took place. When the acceptance letter from Middlebury College arrived in the spring of 1957 I was overjoyed. Visions of adventure and love among the mountains and along the lake described with such appeal in Robert’s books consumed my imagination as I set out for college.

The reality of Vermont’s beauty exceeded anything Roberts had described.  The late afternoon light against the lush green hills was luminous, sparkling and dense, like a golden sea of air.  College life was tough—devoid of adventure or love, in my case — but the appeal of the wonderful mountains, hills, lakes, villages and farms more than made up for my troubles.

During my years at Middlebury and at UVM in Burlington I took little notice of the tourist attractions that lined US Route 7, the main highway that linked Connecticut to the Canadian border. Some were tacky but most fit in gracefully with the surrounding scenery. There were reasonably-priced antiques, maple syrup cookeries, rustic cabins, and restaurants offering home cooked meals. Every item and ingredient was guaranteed to be absolutely fresh, entirely local, and manufactured reverentially by hand.  Their billboards didn’t seem any worse than those of other tourist states.  Like the Burma Shave signs they conformed to their commercial purpose and to the surrounding landscape which they refrained, for the most part, from obscuring.  That’s how it seemed in 1963, when I left the state for graduate study at Princeton.

When I returned to Middlebury with my wife to teach in 1966, one business, just south of the town on the east side US Route 7, had altered this peaceful landscape. Its proprietors must have studied the relative uniformity and approximations to acceptable taste displayed by existing billboards and concluded that ordinary signs couldn’t do justice to their extraordinary attraction. They plastered every US highway leading into and through Vermont with what must have been at over a hundred signs. A modest billboard in Connecticut, white with red letters, along US Route 7 proclaimed that rare and exotic treasures from the seven seas, shells not found in any zoological collection because of extreme dangers involved in collecting them, were to be seen a mere two-hundred  miles to the north on Route 7 at the amazing and electrifying “Sea Shell City.”

A sign for a similar attraction in Michigan. Photo by Mike Monroe

A similar attraction in Michigan. Photo by Mike Monroe.

Once you crossed into Vermont, any sign of restraint in the size and placement of the notices vanished. And, as you got closer to Middlebury, they got bigger, and more frequent.  A billboard south of Rutland clarified what the sign in Connecticut meant by danger: “See the Giant Man-Eating Clam” “Only one mile ahead, on the right,” announced the penultimate billboard several miles north of Brandon, Middlebury’s neighbor to the south. This sign was so large that it obscured the Green Mountain range for a moment as you drove by.  And finally it appeared: your ultimate reward for having endured two-hundred miles of two-lane road, often stuck behind trucks, travel trailers, and farm implements. White with huge red letters, the sign was so tall that you had to crane your neck back in your car seat to comprehend its upper reaches and it bore the unmistakable simple declarative sentence:  “THIS IS IT!”

Your eyes were drawn involuntary to the right to behold the establishment itself: a modest dirt parking lot with at most three cars parked in front and a Quonset hut maybe sixty feet long and twenty feet wide. We drove by it dozens of times during our three years in Middlebury, always in too much of a rush to stop in and check it out.  Friends told us that it was a retired couple who spent the winter in Florida collecting the shells, and then came up for the tourist season to sell them.

I had to have a look.  There were no cars in the lot the day we interrupted our errands to pull in and to sample the wonders of Seashell City ourselves.  We got out and approached the front door.  The top half of the front door was a dirty window, and someone had Scotch-taped a paper plate to the glass from the inside. In pencil was one word: “Closed.”   I guess they’d blown their sign budget on the billboards.

Next week: Inside Seashell City

Patience in the Computer Age

Dave's first computer book, 1963

Dave’s first computer book, 1963, $3.95

Why should a person like me, with a long-exhausted reserve of patience, spend twenty-two years working full-time with computers? After all, these devices fail miserably to deliver exactly what you want even after weeks of frustrating effort. I must have been attracted by the tantalizing promise of these machines to complete, in mere fractions of a second, laborious tasks that once took human hours or days.

My early wisdom about computers evaporated when necessity forced me to work with them full time. I said, “Why program a computer to do something you will do once, when writing the program will take longer than the work itself?” Real programmers didn’t understand my point of view. What they didn’t know was that I found comfort and even relaxation in small clerical jobs.

The biggest failure of computers, as everyone knows, is their steadfast persistence in doing exactly what you tell them to do, instead of what you want them to do. A casual comment by a co-worker at a defense plant offered some hope. Speaking of an unclassified project, the Pilot’s Associate, he said, “We’ll use artificial intelligence techniques to lighten the workload of the jet fighter pilot, by predicting his intentions at just the right moment, and commanding the aircraft automatically to do just what he would have intended it to do. Then he’ll be free to cope with more pressing tasks, such as deflecting approaching missiles, for instance.” I had to laugh.“Mike,” I said, “May I borrow this program when you perfect it? It’s just what we computer programmers need to get the computer to do what we intend without our having to tell it exactly what we want it to do.”

Now I’m glad to be retired from computer work. Like the spurious notion that each person is granted a fixed number of two-billion heartbeats to expend at any rate they chose, I think that I was granted a fixed supply of patience at birth. Foolishly, I used it all up when I was a teenager, trying to get my first car, a true junker, to run reliably. I’ve been running on empty ever since.

Next week: Sea Shell City

The 4CV

A 4CV reveals its rear engine and front truck.

A 4CV displays its rear engine and front trunk.

“Dave,” Jack said as he lifted the rear hood to reveal the engine, “the 4CV is easy to work on and so light that you can pick it up by the front bumper if you need to. But you have to go the Renault dealership in Boston for parts, unless you have another 4CV to cannibalize. The cars are dirt cheap used.”

It was spring, 1956 and I was 17. I had just earned my driver’s license and wanted my own car which I was determined to pay for myself. I wasn’t about to burden my parents and the car, like the fancy bicycle before it, would come from my own after-school earnings. Jack was an engineer, a family friend in his fifties who loved to tinker. I spent some Saturdays with him, handing him tools as he worked on his cars and on a boat. I drove the 4CV, first with him and then alone. It was light, simple and easy to handle. Everything was manual: the starter was a lever you pulled up; the choke was tricky and required careful adjustment during warm-up, and the transmission had a gearshift on the floor with a clutch pedal. There was even a crank with a slot in the rear bumper, if you had trouble starting. The stick shift and choke were not a problem. I had learned to drive on cars with both. As for the crank, my father knew all about them; he had learned to drive in a Model T.

Jack had a colleague, Dave, who was selling a used 1949 4CV. My parents drove me over one evening for a look. The car was a faded blue and had couple of dents, but it ran OK when I drove it around.  He agreed to sell it for $125 and I gave him a $25 to hold it while I took care of insurance and registration.

Most of my teenage friends drove on their parent’s insurance, but I wanted my own. Massachusetts insurance companies wouldn’t insure teenage drivers directly; you had to go through an assigned risk pool, which involved visiting an unfriendly office in Boston. The Registry office in Lynn was just as bad. The clerks there, like the ones in Boston, knew from the news that every teenager coming through the door was a violent juvenile delinquent who would wind up killing someone if they were allowed to drive, much less register their own car.

With license plates, windshield stickers and insurance arranged I asked my father to drive me over to Dave’s. The blue 1949 4CV was sitting outside his apartment building just where I had seen it before. I handed over $100, collected the keys and got in. But now there was an odor that I hadn’t notice before. It was the sour musty smell common then to all used cars beyond a certain age. The new-car aerosol spray employed by used car dealers had yet to be invented, or if it had, it was not for 4CV aficionados. If you were tough enough to take on a 4CV, you shouldn’t be bothered by a little odor. It didn’t trouble me a bit. I was delighted. My car ran and it was all mine: bought, paid for, insured and registered.

The 4CV in "Afrika Korps" yellow

The 4CV in “Afrika Korps” yellow

In my spare time, I drove it all over Marblehead and on trips to Salem, Danvers and Beverly. I picked up a bulky AM radio at a junkyard and installed it myself. In my fantasies I always wanted to drive a police car, so I installed a small war surplus flashing yellow light on the dashboard facing out the front window. One day, in the summer of 1956 when I was driving on Essex Street in Marblehead a group of my friends approached on foot. Inspired by the clowns in the circus, four of them opened the doors of my still moving car and squeezed in. The fifth climbed on the roof and pulled himself forward until his head hung down and his face appeared through the windshield, upside down, looking directly at me. I was horrified. Not only was my view blocked, but my friend risked serious injury or death if I stopped too fast and flung him in a neck-breaking somersault to the pavement. Traffic was light,no police were around and I was able to slow for a safe dismount.

In late August 1956 I felt confident enough to take my car on a short camping trip to New Hampshire with a couple of friends from Boy Scouts.  I had doubts but the little car made it up and back with no trouble. But in the fall it became less and less reliable, often stalling in the middle of intersections. It was light enough that I could jump out on a level street, push it a little, and jump back in to pop the clutch, using the car’s mom entum to turn over the engine. If jump-starting didn’t work, I still had the crank, which, at least for a while, got it going again.

I took it to Jack, who had recommended the 4CV in the first place, for help. But he got tired of my constant requests, and to ld me that I should be able to fix it myself by now. I turned then to one of my Boy Scout companions, Billy, who had greater mechanical abilities than mine and enjoyed challenges. After several trips to Boston for parts he and I got it running for short periods, but then it would die again. My car sat for weeks at the curb near our house. An uncharitable neighbor left an anonymous note on the windshield threatening to call the police if I didn’t move it. I continued to fiddle with it, cranking the engine over and over. Nothing I did would make the recalcitrant machine start. In anger and frustration, I screamed and beat the valve cover with the crank until I dented it.

Billy and I came up with one final idea. We would tow the 4CV with a strong rope attached to his car, and maybe build up enough momentum to jump-start mine. We found a hill and he slowed his car to create slack in the towrope while I popped the clutch. Nothing doing. We tried again on a flat stretch going about twenty miles an hour. Again, no luck. I told my mother about the outcome. “You’ve got to do something about that car,” she said, “I can see that the frustration is tearing you apart!”

The next day Billy drove me over to Litvak’s auto salvage on Bridge Street in Salem, where I had found the old AM radio. Litvak offered to tow the 4CV from Marblehead at no charge if I’d turn the title over to him. His tow truck followed us Marblehead and I went into the house to get my mother’s signature; at eighteen, I was still a minor. “Are you dead sure that this is the only solution,” she asked. “I don’t see any other and the tow truck is waiting outside,” I said. He put my car on the hook and we watched it disappear around the corner. Soon after, my mother and I drove past the salvage yard and I saw the 4CV out in front, offered for sale as running. I wondered what Litvak’s mechanics had done that neither Billy nor I or could manage.

The idea of the 4CV originated in the mind of Louis Renault, a French manufacturer of large luxury cars. Renault was impressed by Ferdinand Porche’s 1938 introduction of the German people’s car, the Volkswagen, and began the development of a French equivalent. He was under way when the Germans invaded and took over his plant in suburban Paris for the manufacture of trucks. Working out of sight of the Germans, Renault’s engineers to produced a prototype of a small inexpensive car in 1942, but kept it hidden.

At war’s end, in 1945, the French Government arrested Porsche on charges of war crimes; he had managed automotive factories in France during the occupation. They required him to lend his expertise to the Renault project, but he complained that his involvement came too late to make a difference. But the rumor spread anyway that Porsche had undermined the reliability of the French automobile in revenge for his imprisonment. His son bailed him out and he was never tried by the French or anyone else.

In 1946, Renault introduced its new product, the Quatre Chevaux à Vapeur (4CV) which means four horsepower. All the initial cars, first marketed in 1947, were a sandy yellow color – the result of a huge surplus of automotive paint intended by the Germans for use in the North African campaign. The 4CV was very successful, and spread rapidly through France and its possessions. Soon it, along with the postwar Volkswagen, was available in the United States. Renault manufactured the 4CV until 1956, when it redesigned it with a new body style and called it the Dauphine. The Dauphine was even less reliable than its predecessor. Nonetheless, quite a few sold in the United States, including the car belonging to a college acquaintance. He liked his Dauphine and didn’t seem worried by my experiences with the 4CV.

The 4CV shows its versatiltiy

The 4CV demonstrates its versatility

One Saturday late in 1999, forty-two years after I gave up on my 4CV, I tuned the radio to “Car Talk” and found Tom and Ray Magliozzi sponsoring a competition to select the ten worst cars of the millennium. I thought of my first car, but by 1999, it faced lots of competition for membership in the pantheon of automotive unreliability and lethal handling. As it turned out, the 4CV didn’t even rate a dishonorable mention in the ultimate ranking. But Renault made the cut with the Dauphine in 9th place and “Le Car,” a later automotive disaster, in 6th. First rank went to the Yugo.

Next week: Dave encounters computers.